It's that time in life!!

I do not have a photogenic face – PERIOD! I have accepted the hypotheses only after innumerable attempts using talcum powder as the temporary (read fairer) layer, trying out expressions ranging from the ‘subtle smile’ to the ‘naughty contortion’ and resigning to my fate in the hands of amateur, professional & even the so called modern-art photographers. Needless to say, the ending of each of these episodes was a foregone conclusion.

How can a few inches of glazed paper affect a person’s life? The reality is…it does! I see the weight of photographs everywhere - Application forms for Passport, DL, Visa, Insurance…the list is endless. The fortunate (unfortunate for some) thing about this list is that the probability of rejection of the application based on your facial qualities is minimal, if not non-existent. However, there exists another parallel world where photographs call the shots…a world where a person’s character, personality and qualities are judged in seconds by certain self proclaimed intelligentsia. And it’s that time in my life when I start thinking about that (yet) alien land of holy matrimony.

I have some time before I place the first bid in the Tamil marriage market. I have made a pact with my parents, which enables me to be a free bird for 2 more years. Yet, I am scared. There are too many ‘what-ifs’ circulating in my head. What if do not fall in love in the next 2 years? What if I am forced to get into an arranged marriage? What if I am made to live the rest of my life with someone I am not able to comprehend? What if India exits from the next world cup in the group stages too? At least the last ‘what-if’ has a known answer. As far as the others answers are concerned, I am on one grueling quest.

In MBA I was taught to be always prepared for the worst case scenario. This situation is no different. The probability of cupid striking doesn’t seem too encouraging considering the corporate hippie lifestyle I lead. So I am pretty sure I will be coerced to sit in another photographer’s chair to get an exclusive photo shoot done – the purpose of which doesn’t need to be told. It will all start when the snaps are sent to various ‘parties’ or in more desperate circumstances posted on Tamilmatrimony.com. Thank God & the Star Network for not making another game show called ‘Kaun Banega Mera Pati’ on air. Considering the attention seeking nature of my family, I know for a fact that I would have been one of the contestants – sitting there on the hot seat & answering the questions of hyperactive potential in-laws.

Now comes the real scary part – clearing the check list. I have seen the parents of my cousin sisters preparing a comprehensive check list of evaluation parameters for the ‘swayamvar’ contestants. It includes income, education, family background, moral values, bla bla bla & bla! A precursor to all these tick marks though, is the ‘Determine his personality using the photograph’ session. I fear that I won’t be able to go beyond this round…ever!. Here is why.

• No moustache – so I can’t be perceived to have the mature macho characteristics of Tamil Superstars (or for that matter even the commoners).
• Thinning hair – considered a sure forebode of ageing, without any appreciation of the 250 rupees spent every month for a stylish hair-do. In fact, the 250 bucks can be labeled as a tell tale sign of being a prodigal son – a strict no no as per Tamil Marriage moral police.
• Absence of ‘Vibhuti’ (religious ash) from my forehead – Surely my face will not be appreciated by the Grandma-in-law who is used to seeing a generous smother of ‘vibhuti‘ on every Tam guy’s forehead. The lack of it on mine automatically suggests a spiritual disconnect or in stricter/more religious families – a profligate lifestyle.

And then there are concerns about the size of the photograph. Should it be just a face pic – in which case I am rejected outright? Or should it be a full length, giving me a slightly better acceptance probability due to my slightly protruding paunch, which is the next best superstar trait after the moustache.

Should I send them the photographs I used in the Visa forms, with a hope that my US trip helps my stock gain a few buyers? Or should I record and send a Tamil devotional song along with my snap, to try and divert their attention from my not-so-superstar looks to my Ilayaraja-like talent?

Phew! Is it then not right for me to be afraid of my future? I don’t wanna land up on one of these matrimony sites where brides and grooms seem like products which can be ordered online – without a money back guarantee though.

So, if you are a guy who has gone through the process and gotten married, please share some tips for success. If you are a photo-shop artist who has a good groom conversion rate, please leave your number. If you are a potential in-law, please revise your check list for this blogger groom. And finally, if you are a single girl with similar apprehensions about the marriage market, please do comment and we can share out thoughts over a cup of coffee! Dear Cupid…Where is the damn arrow when I need one???