Beating around the Bush!

George of the jungle is at it again. After claiming to have solved the terrorist problem (read - carpet bombing Iraq and Afghanistan), he is now worried that the fruits and meat left in the jungle might not be enough for the tribes world over. He is, thus, beating his chest and letting go of the jungle cry, saying that some gluttons called Indians (and Chinese) are eating much more than their share of dal-roti, chicken tikka and gobi manchurian.

I really don’t think he means what he said. I mean, he has always been a man of too many words, illogical at that. And while all of India is maliciously vociferous against these ludicrous charges leveled by Bush, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and explore the funny side of all this.

There are really two big issues that Bush is trying to tackle through these comments of his:

1. Size does matter: Anyone who has travelled to the US, always has a tale or two about their first coffee at Starbucks. The Indian equivalent of American size definitions pan out something like this:

American size ~ Equivalent Indian size
Small ~ Large
Medium ~ Super Extra Large
Large ~ Are you sure, you can drink this?
Extra Large ~ Bush is right! You are indeed a glutton.

I even remember struggling to finish a regular 3 course meal in the US, simply because the food just kept coming. It was one of those rare occasions where people around me were beating me at the hogging game.

Clearly, if the Indians start getting used to eating such huge proportions, the Americans will have to start revising their sizes upwards, in order to maintain their ‘world superpower’ status. Bigger the sizes - more the prices - lesser the demand. That’s an economic equation they could easily do without, at a time when recession is creeping into the US.

2. Kamasutra: The ‘hush-hush’ Indian libido is also to blame for the imminent food crisis. Bush says the (great) Indian middle class is reproducing like felines and the resultant increase in population is leading to the food shortage. What is ironical is that a recent survey shows Indians are one of the least sexually satisfied species in the world. So if we put two and two together, one can conculde that Indians are having more and more of unprotected, unsatisfactory sex. Clearly we don’t need a “Hum do humare do” campaign. What we need is something like a “Daampatya mein surakshit aanand, arthvyavastha sehatmand” campaign. We will have to give couples the “Big Picture” and tell them how their sex lives and the ‘protected’ satisfaction thereof is critical to the world economy and the sustenance of palatable resources. That should be fairly easy, ain’t it!

Hey George….quit beating around the bush would you, and as John Mayor puts it very aptly in his new song “Say what you need to say”!