The IVR

(Man picks up phone…Dials number)

IVR: Welcome to Lena Bank. Please dial the required extension or press star for assistance.

(Man presses star)

IVR: Tamil ku Onnu dial pannunga…Kannadadille erudu dial madire...Malayalamil parayam muunu dial cheyyum...Punjabi vich gallan naal chaar dial karaan si…(Goes on for other languages…Man is frustrated)…For English…(Man gives satisfactory sigh)…dial 3*#05##*.

(Man is perplexed…Tries to press a combination for English but gets it wrong)

IVR: Sorry. That is an invalid entry. Tamil ku Onnu dial pannunga…Kannadadille erudu dial madire...Malayalamil parayam muunu dial cheyyum...Punjabi vich gallan naal chaar dial karaan si…(Man goes and gets a pen and paper…)…For English…(Man notes down)…dial 3*#05##*.

(Man looks carefully at the piece of paper and slowly dials the number 3..*..#..0..5..#..)

IVR: Sorry…You took too long to respond… Tamil ku Onnu dial pannunga…Kannadadille erudu dial madire...

(Man quickly dials the English combination…There is a deafening silence)

IVR: You have selected English…(Man gives triumphant punch in the air). Angrez chale gaye…aulad chod gaye…

Man: Hello?...

IVR: Press 1 for Credit Card enquiry…Press 2 for Savings account enquiry…

(Man presses 2)

IVR: Please enter your 10 digit account number…

(Man enters his account number)

IVR: Please enter your 4 digit year of birth…

(Man enters 1980)

IVR: Please state your first name…

Man: Parvat

IVR: Did you say “Pervert”? If Yes, Press 1. If No, Press 0 and state your first name again.

Man: (Frustrated yet careful) Par..vat

IVR: Did you say “Parvat”? If Yes, Press 1. If No, Press 0 and state your first name again.

(Man presses 1)
IVR: Mr. Pervert, as on 23rd August, 2006, your age is 26 years and account balance is 3,450 rupees and 50 paise. Your account balance is lower than 99% of our customers in your age group. I am sure you are unattached and not likely to date anyone in the near future. Infact, I talk to more girls than you do.

To know more gory details about your account, Press 1…
To desperately get a credit card or personal loan to improve your financial status, Press 2…
To help us by closing your account, Press 3…
To get career tips Scream “I want a new job”…
To find out about illegal ways to make money, call Chappantikli at 9886758493…
To disconnect, Press star

(Man presses star in anger)

IVR: You don’t have to press “star” to disconnect, you moron. Your IQ justifies your bank balance. Put the phone down loser, and lose this number.

(IVR Disconnects...Man stares at the receiver in amazement…)