Divine intervention

(News show music plays…)

News anchor 1: Good evening. I am Praveen Mehta.

News anchor 2: And I am Shruti Rao. Here is a look at today’s top stories…

Mr. VIP Singh, India’s ex Prime Minister, passes away…Police register a suicide case.

The road that spares no one…The US president faces some honk music.

Miracles all the way…God’s decide to steal the limelight.

News anchor 1: Ex India PM Mr. VIP Singh was found dead at the residence of co-party member Mr. Yash Zutsi. Delhi Police has recovered the suicide note which said “He is killing me for the seat…somebody save me”. Crime scene analysts have confirmed that in the note, he was referring to, and I quote, “Him, killing his other schizophrenic self” and the referred seat is, I quote again, “The seat in heaven which all of us desire, after we die”. The party spokesperson told news agencies that the “seat” has nothing to do with the election seat, which was a cause of rivalry between Mr. VIP and Mr. Yash.

News anchor 2: US President George Push’s India tour came to a 2 hour braking halt on the infamous Hosur Road in Bangalore. He was on his way to a BPO company, to chat with his kids through a call center agent’s calling apparatus. Sources in the US Embassy have informed us that the US President experienced mental numbness and deafening in the right ear because of the honking. The President has approved an interest free loan of $100 million for development of Indian roads. However, insider sources tell us that the numbing of the President’s brain is actually due to excessive exposure to violent video games like “Shave off Osama’s beard” and “Smoke out Saddam”. The US officials, however, declined to comment.

News anchor 1: Now for some interesting news. I believe in miracles! Do you? Well…reports of people claiming to have witnessed a miracle poured in throughout the day from various parts of the country. We will now go to our correspondents across the nation to find out more about this Divine intervention. Shilpa, what do you have for us?

(Screen switch to Correspondent)

Shilpa: Hello Praveen. I am standing in front of the Koki Cola factory in Vikroli. At about 3 pm today, the Koki Cola India CEO, Mr. Keshav Kulkarni, called an urgent press conference and made this statement…

(Screen switch to Press conference)

Keshav Kulkarni: Ladies and Gentlemen, today I am going to give you proof, which will put to rest, all the allegations on Koki Cola related to excessive use of pesticides in our drinks. Please look at the Ganesha idol carefully.

(Keshav Kulkarni pours a teaspoonful of Koki Cola from a bottle and places it at the Ganesha Idol’s mouth…The idol drinks all of it).

As you can see ladies and gentlemen, the Gods have accepted our drink and clearly nobody can challenge the purity and holiness of our drink anymore.

(Screen switch to Correspondent)

Shilpa: After this statement was released, hordes of devotees thronged the Koki Cola premises to witness the miracle.

(Screen switch to a devotee)

Devotee 1: Jee maine 4 baje yeh khabar suni ki Ganeshji Koki Cola pee rahe hain. Maine jaldi se ek bottle Cola khareeda aur yahan aa gaya. Maine apne haathon se Ganeshji ko Cola pilaya aur prasad ke roop mein maine aur meri family ne bhi piya. Jee hamara to jeena dhanya ho gaya.

Devotee 2: Maine news channel pe dekha ki Ganpati bappa cola pee rahe the. Ghar pe 1 mahine puraani Popsi padi thi jo koi nahin pee raha tha. Mein who Popsi uthake yaha aa gayee. Par gate pe inhone Popsi andar le jaane nahin diya. Unhone kaha ki jaake Koki Cola leke aao. Phir mein bhaag kar market se Koki Cola laayee aur bhagwaan ko chadhaya.

(Screen switch to Correspondent)

Shilpa: As you can see, people are still queuing up to offer their share of Cola to the Lord. Rival Popsi issued a statement later which was similar and yet different from the one from Koki Cola. Popsi argued that their drink is more pure as Lord Indra’s idol has accepted it and who could be a better judge of liquids than the God of rain himself. Back to you Praveen.

(Screen switch to news studio)

News anchor 1: Thank you Shilpa. Our New Delhi correspondent Siddhartha has been tracking reactions to this “Colamrut” story. Siddhartha…

(Screen switch to Correspondent)

Siddhartha: Hi. I have with me the Chairman of the Indian Environment Organization, Ms Pragati Unyal. The IEO had launched a protest against cola companies a month back, for excessive amount of pesticides in the drinks. Let us hear what she has to say after today’s developments.

Pragati Unyal: Well, first we would like to apologize to the Indian citizens for misleading them on the cola pesticide controversy. We are withdrawing our cola case from court. However, it has come to our notice that Anmul milk was rejected by Gods across India, thereby deeming it unhealthy for consumption. Our research shows that the milk has excessive cream content, which if consumed in quantities of only 10 litres a day, can cause diarrhea. Thus we are launching a fresh case against Anmul...

Siddhartha: Sorry to interrupt you Ms. Pragati. We have just been joined by the Union Health Minster, Mr. Balwaan Singh. Sir, your comments on the issue.

Balwan Singh: I have already ordered 250 bottles each of Koki Cola and Popsi for all the MLAs in parliament. We are also passing a bill to fill water tanks in schools, colleges and other public and religious places with colas. I also had a chat with the Minister for Education to include this event as a chapter in the history text book.

Siddhartha: Thank you Mr. Balwaan and Ms. Pragati. So Praveen, as you can see, scientific and political wings of our country have also accepted this phenomenon as a miracle. With cameraperson Shashi Dubey, this is Siddhartha Munshi reporting from New Delhi. Back to the studios.

(Screen switch to news studio)

News anchor 2: In another miraculous event in the Navi Mumbai area, people claim to have received clean and potable water from the municipality taps after 47 years. Today was clearly a day where the God’s decided to steal the limelight.

New anchor 1: If you have witnessed a miracle yourself, SMS “your name, space, the miracle” and send it to 0000. That’s about it in this edition of Newshour. Keep watching NewsTV. Good night.