Tip-ping point

A couple arrives at a restaurant. They check with the waiter for their reservation. They sign at the register counter and the waiter guides them to their table.

Man: Thank you. We are really hungry. Could you please bring us the menu quickly?

Waiter: Sure sir.

The waiter goes and gets the dinner menu.

Waiter: Here you go madam…sir. I will leave you two alone so that you could decide what to order.

Man: Excuse me. Could you also bring the drinks menu? We would like to start off with some wine.

Waiter: I am sorry sir. Our policy prohibits the giving away of drinks menu before the customer places the order.

Woman: What kind of rule is that? I want to have my drinks before I start off the meal. Is that a problem with you guys?

Waiter: I understand your concerns madam. But it is pointless getting into an argument right now. As I understand, you are terribly hungry. So it is better to order the food and then I will bring you the drinks menu.

Man and woman think about leaving the restaurant but decide otherwise as they are very hungry.

Man: Ok fine. We will have the Tandoori sholay golay, Machhi masaaledaar and Achaari paneer tikka.

Waiter: Sure sir. Can I interest you in today’s special?

Man: No we are all right. Please bring our order as soon as possible.

Waiter: But sir according to company policy, I have to read out today’s special to you, whether you are interested in it or not.

Woman: Are you people running a restaurant or a prison here? You should care about what your customer needs and not what you want!

Waiter: Today’s chef special is the Salmon French filet. The salmon is freshly hand picked by the chef himself and sliced mercilessly by yours truly…

Woman: That’s enough. We don’t want the Salmon. Could you please bring us our dinner?

Waiter: Sure madam. Can I interest you in some drinks?

Man: It is about time, don’t you think?

Waiter: Well frankly sir, I think you could wait a while longer for the wine. As they say “The older the wine, the better”.

Man: Is that a joke? Because, it is not too funny. Now can you please bring the drinks menu?
The waiter goes and gets the drinks menu.

Man: Thanks. How long will it be before we get our food?

Waiter: Sir, it will be ready in half an hour after I tell the chef.

Woman: What do you mean? You haven’t yet placed our order with the chef?

Waiter: No madam. You will have to give me my tip before that.

Man: Give you a tip? Before the meal? Is that a company policy too?

Waiter: No sir.

Man: Oh Thank God!

Waiter: It is actually a policy of the International Waiters Union. This ‘Pre food tip’ policy has come to effect starting today. In fact you are the first ones to be served under it.

The couple can’t believe it. They contemplate leaving the place again.

Waiter: The policy is under effect in all restaurants madam. Anywhere you go, you’ll have to ‘Pre tip’. Now are you paying me or should I attend to the other table?

Man: Do we have another choice? But let me make it clear that we will not come to this restaurant ever again.

Waiter: No problems sir. Even if you do, I will be right here.

Man: Here you go. 20 rupees. Now can you place our order?

Waiter: Cheapster!

Man: Excuse me!

Waiter: We have been warned about people like you. You want to get out of this restaurant without paying a paisa more than what you food bill comes to.

Woman: We will tip you as we feel like. As you can see the experience that we have had till now doesn’t deserve a fat tip. What do you think?

Waiter: It doesn’t matter what I think or feel madam. Section 231 of the ‘Pre tip’ policy ensures that the customer pays a tip worth 30% of the total food bill or empties his wallet, whichever is more. In case of a default we can sue you for all your money in the bank.

Man: You can’t sue us. We are leaving. It is our choice.

Waiter: I am afraid, sir. It isn’t. The document you signed when you arrived clearly delineates the legal implications of a ‘Pre tip’ default.

Woman: We didn’t know what we signed there…

Waiter: And that is my mistake?

Nobody speaks anything for a few seconds. The man asks the woman what to do in sign language. Woman responds with a shrug of the shoulders.

Man: Ok. You win. Here are 600 rupees. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Waiter: I should be asking you that question sir.

Man: Just bring us our food now. Please.

Waiter: Just one problem sir. The kitchen is closed. If you want I can ask the chef to prepare your meal anyways. It will just cost you twice the regular amount. Should I?

The couple looks at each other, stands up and starts running. Two bouncers grab hold of them and bring them back to their seat.

Waiter: Oh I forgot to tell you sir. We don’t let our customers go before they have had their dinner. So should I bring you the menu again?

The cab ride

Employees are waiting for the cab at the night drop. A Qualis pulls in. The driver (Gopinath) gets out and takes the roster list from the security people. All 8 employees get in. Driver gets in and starts the cab.

Driver: Hello and welcome to Gopinath Roadways. It is a pleasure for us to have all of you on board.

Employee 1: Arey lets go bhaiyya. It is already 12:30. By the time we reach home I’ll lose all sleep.

Driver: I would now request all passengers to listen to the safety instructions of this Gopinath qualis # KA03 4562.

Gopinath turns around, kneels down on the driver seat, facing the employees.

Driver: This is a seatbelt. To fasten, pull the seat belt across and clip it into the buckle on the side of the seat. To unfasten, just push the buckle and loosen the belt. The seat belt must be fastened before the security check at the departure gate. For your own safety please keep the safety belt fastened at all times during this trip, especially on Hosur Road.

Employee 2: Fine. We have fastened our seat belt. Now let us go.

Driver: This cab has 4 exits - one in the back, two in the middle row and one in the front (Shows the exits in typical airline fashion). In case of an emergency, please alight the cab using the nearest exit. Please take a moment to locate your nearest exit.

All employees stare in amazement. The employee in the leftmost seat in the middle row is about to fall asleep. Gopinath shakes him up and asks him to locate the nearest exit.

Driver: If you feel that you are too weak or too sleepy to operate the exit door then please exchange your seat with someone stronger or sober.

The leftmost guy starts falling asleep again. Gopinath shakes him up again and asks him to exchange his seat with the middle guy. Reluctantly they exchange their seats. By this time all the cabs behind have started honking.

Driver: This is a non-smoking cab. Karnataka State Transport rules prohibit any passenger from smoking while in the cab. Thank you for choosing Gopinath roadways. We wish you a happy and safe journey.

The cab starts moving. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Suddenly on Hosur Road the silence is broken with the driver’s announcement.

Driver: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain Gopinath speaking. The outside temperature is a moderate 25 degrees Celcius with humidity of 50% and clear visibility. We are cruising at a speed of 70 kmph and should reach our destination in 20 minutes. Please relax and enjoy this ride. Our staff will now serve snacks and refreshments.

The driver turns on the FM. A female employee cannot resist letting out a chuckle. Her chuckle is curbed by the sudden left turn and stop. The cab stops in front of an Udupi restaurant. No one gets down.

Employee 3: Bhaiyya. Why have we stopped here? No one has to get down at Bommanhalli.

Driver: Ladies and Gentlemen, please look at the menu and place your order. Our cabin crew will get you your choice in just a moment.

Employee 3: My room mate has cooked at home. She will kill me if I don’t eat there.

Driver: Madam, the later you place the order, the more time we will take to reach the destination.

Everyone has no choice but to place the order. They wait for 15 minutes for the order to arrive. Everyone starts eating. The cab moves again. Everyone starts enjoying their respective meals.

Driver: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking again. We might now experience slight turbulence due to road conditions. I advice you to kindly place your food tray down and fasten your seat belt again.

The sleepy guy in the center is too hungry now to let go of the food. The vibrations in the cab cause the food to spill on his neighboring employee. The “food spilt on” employee gets totally irritated and asks the driver to stop the cab.

Driver: Everyone, please prepare yourself for an emergency stop. Kindly fasten your seatbelt and lean forward so that your head rests on the front seat.

The cab swirls left and right and comes to a halt. There is silence for a few seconds.

Driver: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now safe to alight from this cab. Please open the emergency exits and alight in an orderly fashion.

The employees get out and clean themselves up. They are about to board the cab again when the driver starts speaking again.

Driver: Ladies and gentlemen, the next cab from Gopinath roadways is set to depart at 02:00 hours. Kindly wait at the terminal and proceed to security check when departure is announced.

Everyone is astonished and disgusted at the same time. All of them decide to take an auto rickshaw and go home. As they climb into the auto, the driver speaks again.

Driver: Thank you for riding Gopinath roadways. We wish you a happy stay or a safe onward journey. We hope that you will give us a chance to serve you again. Goodbye and goodnight