Tip-ping point

A couple arrives at a restaurant. They check with the waiter for their reservation. They sign at the register counter and the waiter guides them to their table.

Man: Thank you. We are really hungry. Could you please bring us the menu quickly?

Waiter: Sure sir.

The waiter goes and gets the dinner menu.

Waiter: Here you go madam…sir. I will leave you two alone so that you could decide what to order.

Man: Excuse me. Could you also bring the drinks menu? We would like to start off with some wine.

Waiter: I am sorry sir. Our policy prohibits the giving away of drinks menu before the customer places the order.

Woman: What kind of rule is that? I want to have my drinks before I start off the meal. Is that a problem with you guys?

Waiter: I understand your concerns madam. But it is pointless getting into an argument right now. As I understand, you are terribly hungry. So it is better to order the food and then I will bring you the drinks menu.

Man and woman think about leaving the restaurant but decide otherwise as they are very hungry.

Man: Ok fine. We will have the Tandoori sholay golay, Machhi masaaledaar and Achaari paneer tikka.

Waiter: Sure sir. Can I interest you in today’s special?

Man: No we are all right. Please bring our order as soon as possible.

Waiter: But sir according to company policy, I have to read out today’s special to you, whether you are interested in it or not.

Woman: Are you people running a restaurant or a prison here? You should care about what your customer needs and not what you want!

Waiter: Today’s chef special is the Salmon French filet. The salmon is freshly hand picked by the chef himself and sliced mercilessly by yours truly…

Woman: That’s enough. We don’t want the Salmon. Could you please bring us our dinner?

Waiter: Sure madam. Can I interest you in some drinks?

Man: It is about time, don’t you think?

Waiter: Well frankly sir, I think you could wait a while longer for the wine. As they say “The older the wine, the better”.

Man: Is that a joke? Because, it is not too funny. Now can you please bring the drinks menu?
The waiter goes and gets the drinks menu.

Man: Thanks. How long will it be before we get our food?

Waiter: Sir, it will be ready in half an hour after I tell the chef.

Woman: What do you mean? You haven’t yet placed our order with the chef?

Waiter: No madam. You will have to give me my tip before that.

Man: Give you a tip? Before the meal? Is that a company policy too?

Waiter: No sir.

Man: Oh Thank God!

Waiter: It is actually a policy of the International Waiters Union. This ‘Pre food tip’ policy has come to effect starting today. In fact you are the first ones to be served under it.

The couple can’t believe it. They contemplate leaving the place again.

Waiter: The policy is under effect in all restaurants madam. Anywhere you go, you’ll have to ‘Pre tip’. Now are you paying me or should I attend to the other table?

Man: Do we have another choice? But let me make it clear that we will not come to this restaurant ever again.

Waiter: No problems sir. Even if you do, I will be right here.

Man: Here you go. 20 rupees. Now can you place our order?

Waiter: Cheapster!

Man: Excuse me!

Waiter: We have been warned about people like you. You want to get out of this restaurant without paying a paisa more than what you food bill comes to.

Woman: We will tip you as we feel like. As you can see the experience that we have had till now doesn’t deserve a fat tip. What do you think?

Waiter: It doesn’t matter what I think or feel madam. Section 231 of the ‘Pre tip’ policy ensures that the customer pays a tip worth 30% of the total food bill or empties his wallet, whichever is more. In case of a default we can sue you for all your money in the bank.

Man: You can’t sue us. We are leaving. It is our choice.

Waiter: I am afraid, sir. It isn’t. The document you signed when you arrived clearly delineates the legal implications of a ‘Pre tip’ default.

Woman: We didn’t know what we signed there…

Waiter: And that is my mistake?

Nobody speaks anything for a few seconds. The man asks the woman what to do in sign language. Woman responds with a shrug of the shoulders.

Man: Ok. You win. Here are 600 rupees. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Waiter: I should be asking you that question sir.

Man: Just bring us our food now. Please.

Waiter: Just one problem sir. The kitchen is closed. If you want I can ask the chef to prepare your meal anyways. It will just cost you twice the regular amount. Should I?

The couple looks at each other, stands up and starts running. Two bouncers grab hold of them and bring them back to their seat.

Waiter: Oh I forgot to tell you sir. We don’t let our customers go before they have had their dinner. So should I bring you the menu again?